Resolution

For days on end I wanted new justification for my son's diagnosis. I've got all these people around me making me so confused. Questioning not the Dx itself, but questioning his need for services. I also had many people making me feel better, but they don't actually KNOW him - so it threw in an added piece of self-doubt. The Roller Coaster has slowed down for me. I have come to terms with what is called 'autism'. I see my precious precious little boy. I see him in his thrilling abilities - I see him in his plain ol' 2 year old skin - I see him with his quirks - and I see his weaknesses too. But when someone Threatens his progress (in my eyes) I get so defensive. I literally feel like I am Suffocating - I can feel my Blood Pressure rise and my whole body tense. I have this need to search for answers - for someone to agree with me. I feel like anyone I talk to thinks I am a raging lunatic. I realize at the same time - Whoa... there is something else going on!

So - I Stopped. I opened my ears. I sat back and decided to take a break from everything except one thing: Why? Why does it bother me SO BAD? And this is hard for me to say - but I quieted the other noise, and I realized what it is.

I am deathly afraid of being wrong.

I need to write this down. I need to remember it. It would be ok if I were wrong. I don't believe that I am, but the idea of being wrong was making me feel like I was doing something wrong. Like advocating for him was making him something he is not. Like I was trying to convince people of something that was not true. And that is just a lie. From where? I have a PRETTY GOOD IDEA!!! Satan is the ultimate source if you are looking for something to suck the life right out of you..... unfortunately I let him in on this one. I let him pick at me and poke at me and I am DONE with him.

So to slow down. To get back on track. I took some time off from even thinking. I went through the motions of therapies and whatever else, but just stopped being so crazy about it. After my break & some sanity..... this is where we are:

What are the issues at present?

SLP with Jen: She might say aloof comments, but she has little if any bearing on his IEP/evals or qualification for Preschool. Therapy is going good. She is a good listener. She even reversed a met goal because of something I brought up. This is as it should be. Check.

OT with Mitzi: It's over. I loved her as a person, but she's not who DS needs. She is an OT assistant and through several people's advice, we are moving on to an OT who has 17 years experience with autism SPECTRUM kids & is more than willing to begin week #1 with an evaluation. Check.

DT with Suzanne: Great. She is a good listener & an even better advocate. She was very frank with me when I shared a more concise version of my fears & told me that while he IS doing very well and will score very well, he lacks many social/pragmatic skills that a 2.5 year old should have, has many obsessive traits, and is very willing to see the BIGGER picture. Check.

TEACCH with Ron: More that great. I will explain more below, but a man who I thought was just going through the motions with DS will prove to be my best advocate and help. Check, Check, and Check!

Contact in our future city: A long conversation with a wonderful lady proved very useful. I can't say she would ever know the impact it had, but talking with her was my turning point in those crazy 2 weeks. I needed to hear that it is ok to be confused. I needed to hear that looking up developmental milestones and expecting my son to not stop working until he does all that other kids his age do is ok. I needed to hear that I AM his expert (again). I needed to hear that things will be better once we move. I needed to hear that someone is already ready to work for us there - so a BIG check and relief for the new city.

PAT with Natalie: Have I talked about this before? Well, basically Natalie was the bridge between a mom with fears to a mom with a plan. She was so gentle and never jumped before I did. She gently led me to get the evaluation - but has stuck by my side all this way & was a listening ear this week when I needed to disengage a LOAD of junk. Check.

Service Coordinator Tammy: Eh. There's really no complaints - she does her job. But when I requested to talk to her after my confrontation with Jen and Mitzi (2 weeks ago) she was less than helpful. But, she has never let me down on the area that she can help me with - as the red tape here seems to be about 12 feet thick. Check.