Being Mommy.

Being Mommy is something I wasn't always so sure I wanted, sitting in my college apartment nine years ago. I remember sitting on the hardwood floors of the hallway talking to my roommate - wondering how you know that you really want to BE a mom.

Then, after my husband and I were married, we had 'the list'.

All the reasons why we didn't have kids - or weren't having kids. We were on the 'Five year plan', five years and then we'll THINK about it. We used to say that as long as the cons side of the list was longer than the pros, we weren't having kids.

And then one day... I heard a preacher on the radio. I sat in my car long after the engine was turned off just to hear the last words he had to say. It was ever burned into my mind that the blessing of having children would mean that there would be another generation to teach, raise up in God's Word, and lead away to spread the good news of Jesus Christ to the world. It was that day I knew. I have always been thankful that God allowed me to hear that message before finding out that I was pregnant with my little boy. From time to time God allows that message to come back into my mind.

"Train up a child in the way he should go,

Even when he is old he will not depart from it."

Proverbs 22:6

I am SO blessed with exactly what He knew I needed.

.....A Humbling experience, yeah, He's given me that. Something to bring me to my knees over and over again - I think all parents get that -not just those who have children with special needs.

.....A Beautiful Boy to teach me how big and wide and deep the Father's LOVE really is. A child who holds a future that is important, beautiful, extraordinary, and totally out of MY control. A child who takes my breath away, takes every ounce of energy, but I still cannot get enough of - so that at the end of the day I just want to crawl next to his bed and kiss his worries away over and over...

.....A Beautiful Girl to show me how beautiful differences can be... how to capture each first like a camera lens in my mind and enjoy it with fullness. To give a sparkle to laughter and tears to the tiniest bump in the road. A child who encompasses joy, real joy in the smallest of things. Who stands strong in her will, yet crumbles at a kind word and a tickle. A child who greets each new day with a beautiful smile and intoxicating giggle. And who makes me long for night to end and morning to begin again...

But not only did he give me two totally different children, He gave them to me in a perfect order... A boy first - one who captured my heart in a moment. One who requires a little more time, a little more patience, a little more give. But - I didn't know I was giving a little more.... so my second, my girl just makes me marvel at tiny minds and miracles - instead of having that opportunity to question. I have thoroughly enjoyed. Laughed a lot. Cried a lot. Loved beyond my hearts measure. Blessed beyond anything I could have ever prepared for myself.

HE knew. HE knew this is the plate I would be given as a mom. Yet, each moment that seems too difficult, also shows me a new reason to believe. Because around the corner of the difficulty is provision. He has provided.

BEING a mommy wasn't ever a choice. It was all in His plan. Being is more so a state - I just AM a mommy. It isn't something I wake up and choose each day, I just am. He carries me through it, I just pray that I continue to open my ears and listen for what He has prepared for us next...